Post by joe on Feb 20, 2011 20:34:39 GMT -5
AA is has always been defined as a spiritual program, but unfortunately the term “spirituality” is often confused with religion. I see this in reading diatribes against the program by those who don’t understand AA, often calling it a religion or cult. Various District Court decisions have ruled that mandatory attendance at AA meetings for DUI offenders is a violation of the First Amendment. Other decisions disagree. This in essence reflects an “official” view that AA is or is not a religion. But mandatory attendance at meetings is a whole other topic that I won’t go into here.
I think the view of AA as a religious organization is probably drawn from our constant reference to God. We use the word God throughout the Big Book and particularly in 12 Steps, the Traditions, and the Promises. There are 3rd, 7th, and 11th step prayers as well as the Serenity Prayer used to open most meetings and the Lord’s Prayer to close them. But only in the steps do we see the caveat “as we understand him”.
Yet if one takes the time to read the Big Book carefully, and becomes familiar with the history of AA, they’ll see that AA very carefully steers away from any connotation of being a religious organization. Religion is thought to be too inclusive, too restrictive. Indeed the very thought of religion strikes fear in the hearts of many alcoholics. We thus emphasize the concept of a “power greater than ourselves” to carefully avoid any connotation of religion. While this recognition of a higher power plays an important (but not essential) role in the AA program, it should not be inferred from this that AA is a religion.
But why do we say “God” all the time? It’s probably because we’re a Judeo-Christian culture and the term is familiar to all of use. It’s also a lot less cumbersome to say “God” than “God as I understand Him”, or “a power greater than myself” in any discussion. And indeed, many of us believe in God as our higher power, so that’s just what we say. For those who believe in another concept of higher power, or perhaps no higher power, they can use whatever terminology they prefer.
This idea of needing a higher power is initially seen in the first 3 steps. I’m powerless. I no longer think I can do this alone, only something more powerful than I can do it. And this power will help me if I ask. The key to the whole program is that I can’t do it alone. It’s the first acknowledgement of the powerlessness of self. My first glimpse of humility. I, as an individual, am not all powerful, not God. That, for me at least, was one hell of a big step (or fall). My ego began to deflate. I, who had never asked for help in my life, recognized my utter helplessness in dealing with my alcoholism. As with most of us, it was in a pit of utter despair that I finally came to terms with this higher power thing.
And I think there’s a certain paradox here in that I was raised a Catholic and have 12 years of Catholic education. I learned about religion, theology, dogma. Prayer was always said in the approved, rote format recited at the appropriate times during the appropriate ceremonies. I read Aquinas and Augustine. I knew all about God. He was all knowing, all-powerful, eternal. These things I knew. But this knowledge lead to self-righteousness, the self-righteousness to self-centeredness, and an eventual focus in life solely on self. God, indeed the whole concept of higher power, began to fade to the distant past. I fell away from the Church, from God. I caught a spiritual disease, a “soul sickness” as Fr. Martin liked to call it. Self and ego took over my life. “I” and “me” were the operative terms of my existence.
I was “empty of self” at this point, if that makes any sense. The “self” that ego I brought into the program had been dissected, much to my dismay. I was a shell. While taking the steps I began the process of introspection and all those parts of the “me” were forced into the open for a comprehensive, honest moral analysis. And in identifying my defects, I became aware certain “virtues” that could come to be if I dealt with my shortcomings. These were Spiritual assets, more parts of the whole, so to speak.
Dealing with my resentments, a main contender for the title in the heavyweight class, led me to understand the concept of forgiveness. I learned that I could forgive others for harms they caused. This doesn’t imply forgetfulness, though. I couldn’t forget pain or hurt as these are learning tools. The Promise of neither forgetting the past nor wishing to shut the door on it started to make sense.
Fear, the foundation of most defects, led me to a faith in God. As I began to accept God’s will in place of my will, there was little to fear anymore. This “let go and let God” stuff suddenly lifted a huge burden from my shoulders. These mundane AA phases actually make sense sometimes.
The realization of my part in events in my life led to the acceptance of personal responsibility. No more pity parties, no more blaming everyone else.
I came to recognize my defects included acts of omission as well as commission. What I failed to do was sometimes more serious that the things that I did. This was a real eye opener. I had always thought of faults as actions, not inactions,
The realization of my imperfections, my defects in their entirety, led me to comprehend what love was. I had known affection, but not love. I accepted the fact that I was an imperfect human being, and in doing so I learned to accept the imperfections of others. I first learned to love myself (a significant event, believe me) in spite of my imperfections. In doing so I learned for the first time how to love others, and to love them in spite of their imperfections.
With this knowledge of love came the ability to form meaningful relationships. And surprisingly, (to me, at least) I came to understand meaningful conflict resolution. No more running from a problem in a relationship. No more fear of rejection.
The list goes on, but you get the gist of what was happening here.
With these discoveries, this newfound realization that good things could come into my life if I so chose, I came to understand happiness.
But I wasn’t done yet. After humbly (that damn word again!) asking God to remove all my shortcomings, I had to face the fact that I had harmed others. I couldn’t understand this virtue of forgiveness for others until I learned about forgiveness from others. So I dragged out that 4th step list and began another one, this time of people I had harmed. And damn! Along came willingness, a willingness to make amends to those on the list. Another piece of that elusive thing called spirituality.
This part of my spiritual journey came grudgingly. My list of people I had harmed was populated with a lot of “yeah buts”. I had to differentiate between harm caused to me and harm I had caused others. The remnants of my pride started to surface. But I was forced to concentrate on “Keeping my side of the street clean.” (Heard that one before?) My sponsor, who I haven’t mentioned before, and who deserves all the credit for keeping me on the right path on this journey, kept pounding that little phrase into my skull.
Then came another post - doctoral degree in humility. I have to go to each person to make amends, to ask for forgiveness. I was taught that I had to do this in a certain manner. I had to say “I apologize. It was my fault. I was wrong. What can I do to make it right?” I used those phrases in making all my amends, and I use them to this day. This 9th step is an ongoing process, however. Some amends I’ll never be able to make in person. In certain cases, such as my father, I read a letter over his grave. In others, I wrote a letter and then burned it. With some people it’s a matter of proper timing. The process continues.
Now it became a matter of walking the walk. I try and do a continuous moral inventory. When I’m wrong I promptly admit it. And I use the same format as I did in the 10th step when addressing each wrong. “I apologize, etc.” I’m not talking about losing an argument over the Yankee’s starting lineup in the 1959 season here. I’m talking about being wrong! And usually this type of wrong causes someone harm.
Somewhere along the way I had that “spiritual awakening” we talk about. It didn’t happen overnight, but in increments. My character, my personality changed. It’s funny that I didn’t notice it, either. Rather, it was brought to my attention. “You’ve changed. What’s going on?” And this awakening is still going on. “Aha! Moments”, I like to call them.
I’d like you to believe that this was an easy process, that I was one gung - ho son of a bitch doing the steps. But that’s bullshit. I was kicking and screaming all the way. You can see the claw marks left in the concrete as my sponsor dragged me through them. And don’t get the impression that I ‘m a huge success in doing any of this stuff. It’s progress, not perfection here. I’m an imperfect human. Remember?
And here comes the part that my friend Patrick referred to - I have to milk this F***** for all it’s worth. Now that I had a spiritual awakening I have to perpetuate it, keep it alive, change the awakening into spirituality as a lifestyle.
I do that by staying in touch with God. I pray, but differently than before. Now, rather than pray for “stuff” or for good things to happen to me, I pray for guidance, understanding, acceptance, knowledge. Those things that will show me how I’m supposed to live my life.
And I listen to God. I meditate, trying to be receptive to His answers. Read Kushner’s book “Why Bad Things Happen to Good people” and you’ll meet my God. I think you’d like Him.
And now it’s practice, practice, practice. Those things I’ve learned along this journey? Now I try to practice them in my life. Not just my AA life, but my life .
I try and carry the message. I speak before groups, I’m involved in a couple of home groups.
I work with other alcoholics, explaining how I did it, trying to guide them on the journey I took. And here I’m learning to accept disappointment, as few who walk in the doors will thoroughly follow the path. It’s sad that so few end up getting it.
I work the steps regularly to keep myself honest. Steps 4 and 5 need constant revisiting.
There’s no diploma when you get to the 12th step because you never finish it. It doesn’t say we practice these principles in all our affairs for only 12 months. Spirituality is a way of life, not a term of office.
I live my life today as best I can; very imperfectly to be sure. But that’s ok. I think part of spirituality is the paradox that I can live a life of serenity and joy, all the while accepting my imperfections. As Kurtz said, I’m not ok and that all right.
Now let’s get back to the original question. What’s spirituality? I know it, but I can’t explain it any more than I can explain what a rose smells like.
I like the Ignation concept of spirituality as a “way of proceeding”. That’s how I began to first view it as a journey. So I can only try to explain my understanding of this elusive thing, and do it best by pointing to a few things I came to understand during and as a result of this phenomenal journey. Perhaps you’ll understand the whole by looking at some of the parts.
Think of this as an “As Joe sees it.”:
I’m learning to accept life for what it is, knowing that I can control only myself and not others.
I’m learning patience. God knows I need to work on that.
I’m learning humility. I’m learning humility. I’m learning humility.
The sun will still rise tomorrow whether I want it to or not. I keep this in mind in case I feel the urge to control things.
I’m learning that I don’t have to be right, nor do I have to attend every argument I’ve been invited to.
I’m learning to offer my opinion only when asked. And it’s ok not to be asked.
I’m learning to accept myself for who I am. Imperfect to be sure. I don’t strive to be the best among men, I strive to be the best “me”, my standards governed by conscience rather than any comparison to others. My conscience governed by my higher power – God.
What you think of me doesn’t concern me. If what you thought of me was important, then I’d have to lead my life just to please you (and you and you and you).
I’m learning to forgive, but to not forget.
I’m learning to live in the present. I can’t change the past. If I try to forecast the future (project, I like to say) then my mind becomes a very dangerous neighborhood.
I’m learning to love. I’m learning to be loved.
I’m learning how to be gracious in accepting thanks or compliments from others. (Never could do that before.)
I’m learning happiness.
I have serenity and guard it jealously. You do not want to mess with my serenity.
I say the Serenity Prayer a lot, seeking strength and wisdom. I need the strength to change in me what needs changing. That’s not always easy for me.
I need wisdom. I need to know what I can’t change, and to know what’s best left alone even if I could change it. Face it, there are things we can change other than ourselves, just not people. But to change just for the sake of being able to is never a good thing.
I’m learning to stop wanting “stuff’. To be happy just having the things I need. And “stuff” isn’t only material possessions. It encompasses all the “I wants” in my life – praise, recognition, all those ego driven desires are “stuff”.
Sure, shit still happens. Life’s far from perfect. I still get angry. But I get over it rather than let it fester. There are people I don’t particularly care for, but I can avoid them.
That committee in my head? They’re gone for the most part. Only one left is that little bit of ego I still hold on to. He’s pretty harmless these days unless I start getting that into that HALT bullshit. Then he’ll let the others slip in the back door.
I go through life doing the best I can. I’m human with all the warts and imperfections that come with being human. I’m becoming comfortable living in my own skin.
This journey has no destination, no end. I’ll be on it as long as I live. It’s a difficult journey, and my progress is far from perfect. I make a lot of mistakes, but I try to learn from them.
But you know what? I’m sober. Life’s good. I’m content.